God doesn’t call the qualified

In middle school, in my Catholic school classroom, we were discussing vocations with a seminary student going to school to be a priest. In the Catholic faith, there are many rules associated with the vocation of priesthood that are not very attractive. At that time in my life, I was feeling particularly close with God and certainly felt the appeal of priesthood. I was convinced that I was not worthy of much more.

Years later, not only did I run in the opposite direction, but I made choices in my life that were self-serving as much as they were service to others. I was a firefighter/EMT because I thought that would make me more attractive to women. It didn’t, but I learned a lot. I learned to take responsibility for myself and care about other people’s needs. I learned terrible coping mechanisms for the bad days. But I learned what a community felt like.

When I became a paramedic, I did it because I knew I had it in me to be good. I did it to broaden my scope of practice and to take a more active role in “saving lives.” I would say now that I have positively influenced many physical lives, but what have I done spiritually for anybody?

If “saving lives” is my calling, am I doing enough? To the countless patients over 20 years of doing this who experienced negative outcomes, I would say no. So many times I have been given the opportunity to make a greater impact on the family left behind, and I didn’t do it. Not because I didn’t want to, but moreover because I lacked the confidence that I had it in me. What could I give the family? An explanation? Certainly not comfort in the way it should be conveyed. For years I was without words.

I spent a year in 2017 calling the doctor after CPR wasn’t enough for the patient in front of me. I had been on a first-name basis with the coroner. I had been the last thread connecting a family so many times, and each time the patient had been pronounced dead, that string would break. Little by little things were eating away at me.

When 2020 rolled around, I was a mess. I worked under fear of death every day. We didn’t know the power of the virus entirely, but we knew it wasn’t discriminating by age, race, or creed. Sure we took precautions to not get sick at work, but what about at home? Masks were required everywhere, but we didn’t see proof that it was totally effective against the virus.

By the third quarter of 2020 I was suffering anxiety and depression. I accepted that death was imminent and I was okay with going. I never wanted to hurt myself, but between highway speeds, work, and many other factors that were introduced in 2020 (murder hornets), I was completely fine with exiting stage left.

When I reached out for counseling, I was blind sided when I discovered she was a Christian counselor. Her methods convicted me. I was reading books (which I never did) by Christian authors (never would have picked up on my own) and listening to Christian podcasts (nope). The new perspective I got about Jesus was refreshing. Through all of this, I found my way to a church in a basement that has non-denominational services every Sunday. I went exploring and found myself more at home there than I felt in my own skin.

I was forging and developing relationships with men who have the same views on God and Faith. My family has become a solid unit rather than a divided free-for-all. I continue to learn about Jesus every Sunday, even after sitting down with the Bible and reading it cover to cover in a few months. The messages are real, coming from a real person with real life experience. There is raw emotion, lessons to learn, and a community that I never knew before.

I got saved in November of 2020. On July 4, 2021, I went public for Jesus through my baptism. In the fall of 2022, I led a church men’s camping and hiking trip attempting to follow a bible study I printed off my app. The study was 11 parts long, and I was trying to cram it into a 2-day event. By May of 2023, I decided to try to develop my own messages from my own reading and brought my own authenticity along for the spring men’s camping trip.

By this Fall I was ready to open up. Our fall camping trip included a sermon I prepared about weeding the garden and a man’s role in tending to the garden with scriptural references made to Genesis, Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. The second night I was ready to follow that up with my own testimony. My garden was full of weeds for a very long time. Between Jesus and the rest of my Church community, I have been able to clear a lot of those weeds so that I can see what I have left to work with.

I thought my calling was to “save lives.” I might not be wrong, but I may have been going about it wrong. If I had considered ministry at such an early age before I was influenced otherwise, could there be something to that?

In my last blog post, I reported about the garbage man who stopped to talk to me and gave me scripture. He said something just told him to stop and talk to me… at 4am.

The thing is I wasn’t qualified to be an author. I am not qualified to engage people in deep biblical conversations. I am not qualified to give sermons. Yet I have been doing all of these. Noah was a drunk, but he outlived the flood because he was called by God and listened. Moses was a murderer but saved the Israelites from slavery in Egypt because he was called by God and listened. Peter regularly said weird stuff that didn’t show favorably on himself, but God used him to build His church. Matthew was a tax collector and hated by everyone, but God chose him to meticulously record the events of Jesus’ ministry; and he did it because he was called and he listened.

Since publishing “The Double-Edged Sword in 2021,” I have heard so many stories about people’s pain and struggles. I thank them for reading because I feel like I have nothing else to give. At work, people approach me when they need to talk, and I will do whatever I can to provide comfort and advice, but is it enough? Am I doing anything for them spiritually? Is it enough? Maybe.

I have seen and heard things in the last 3 years that have led me down a path. I love the work that I do, but I can be better. I love the volunteer work I do with my Church, but I can be better. I love that I am able to calm and comfort people somewhat, but I can be better. I am grateful for the education that I have received, but I can do better.

I hated myself for a long time. I struggled with self-worth. I’ve said the wrong things, I’ve been anxious, I’ve been depressed. I’ve been running on empty looking for the wrong things to fill the void. I am so full already with the love I get from my family and my friends, but still there is this emptiness where my capabilities and my potential are disconnected. I have lived a life. I can’t self-reflect and say whether it was always good or always bad because life isn’t like that. It’s a journey. Any journey comes with its ups and downs. But I will say that I have lived according to my plan, only recently incorporating His plan for me. If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans.

Now, almost 3 years after getting saved, I am happy to announce that I have enrolled at Liberty University for my Bachelor of Science in Applied Christian Ministry. Upon completion of this program, I intend to enroll in the Masters of Divinity program, more commonly known as seminary.

I have prayed about this for a while. It has been on my heart. I have not come to terms entirely with what’s next after the seminary. I don’t see myself standing at a podium on Sunday morning preaching inside 4 walls. I see myself finding a niche more on the outside in the community. I would love to reflect the chaplains that I had at my last job and expand that ministry. I would love to work in recreational ministries; camping, hiking, group trips, retreats, etc. But my plan doesn’t matter because the one who has numbered the hairs on my head, and clothed the wildflowers, and cares for the sparrows, and painted the universe has a plan greater than mine; and I am so excited to see what’s ahead. I am grateful for this opportunity to grow in my education and establish a scriptural foundation in the meantime to help me excel in whatever God has in store for me. God doesn’t call the qualified. He qualifies the called. Out of so much brokenness in my life, He is going to piece it all together for the good.

God, Thank you for this opportunity to serve you deeper. Thank you for directing me in this way. I don’t know what each day is going to bring, but I know who brings the day; and that alone gives me strength to pursue this. As I embark on this chapter, I will look to you often for guidance because there is no other way than yours. I pray that you keep me steadfast and disciplined throughout this endeavor and that you strengthen me to serve others along the way. Pour out your grace and mercy on me so that I can pour it out to others because you and I both know there are going to be some challenging days ahead. I ask all this in Jesus’ name. Amen.